It's that time of year again where I am without fail, thunderstruck by a trillion different emotions. I’m not talking about the overwhelmingly confusing holiday decor in every retail store, which has Halloween lanterns right next to the Christmas trees and just before the Thanksgiving centerpieces (Dear Kroger, how the hell am I supposed to enjoy one holiday, when your stores celebrate all of them @ once?). Or the fact that cuffing season has not-so-coincidentally fallen during the peak of dry season. I am referring to the day that is my birthday: October 30, 2016. Don't get me wrong, it's cool to be alive another year, but birthdays have never been that big a deal. Why are we celebrating a child who did nothing to get here, and not the super-hero of a woman who carried an entirely separate, developing human for ten whole months?
Not only that, but birthdays are yearly reminders that we aren’t as cool as we predicted we’d be a year ago and have instead arrived at another year of old age, greater responsibilities, and saggier titties.
So yeah, safe to say, birthdays and I are like Brennan Huff and Dale Doback: we get along because we have to. And this year, I feel as though Brennan is placing his balls on my drum once again, with the coming of my 25thbirthday.
Twenty Five years, 9125 days on this earth, and still I will be in debt, single, and hiding in my favorite bathroom stall to avoid the misery otherwise known as my job. 219,000 hours 13,140,000 minutes of life, and I’m still drinking directly from the juice jug which is scientific proof that I still need some help. So, I come to you; below are 25 questions I need answered before turning 25:
- When does acne actually go away?
- Are 25-year-olds supposed to be sexually free and fuck whoever? Or be conservative with the cookie?
- What is a love life?
- Was I supposed to receive the "Older Men Are Weird Too" memo via call, txt, or email?
- Boobs aren't an automatic grown woman thing to have huh (asks the woman with A cup breasts)?
- Thank God for birth control #amiright?
- Speaking of BC, it is 2016... why hasn't a magical scientist discovered the one birth control that doesn't cause acne or weight gain?
- Can I still ask my mom for money?
- When should I switch from Jack n' Coke to a glass of White Zinfandel on a date?
- When will I care enough to wear makeup every day?
- Sugar Daddy or boyfriend?
- Do cute ass 19-year-old girls (est. 1997) with professional makeup skills, a billion Instagram followers, perfect brows and laid edges freak you tf out too?
- When did going out and getting shit-faced two nights in a row become a death wish?
- How did the same little boys that were dirt grimy and 14, 5 years ago, become so fine, and legal?
- How many squats before I look like Serena?
- Is this new zodiac sign real orrr?
- NO MORE YOUNG DRIVER SURCHARGE FEES FOR RENTAL CARS !!!!!!!!!! Where should my first fee-less road trip be?
- Michelle Obama for president?
- If I like lemonade, have been cheated on, and like my negro's nose with Jackson Five nostrils, am I too Beyoncé?
- Am I the only person not pregnant or engaged?
- Why are the Kardashian's famous? Seriously?
- What's Morgan Freeman's secret to immortality?
- What was brow life like before Anastasia Brow?
- When is Ikea furniture unacceptable?
- Am I feminist or someone a woman who naturally cares about her fellow women rights?
- What is feminism?
Help in the comments below...